Diary Of A Mom Who Lost Her Groove
There’s nothing like having a child to completely turn your life upside down and inside out. I am sure many moms agree, as soon we see that positive on our pregnancy test, suddenly everything that matter no longer does. Your needs and wants go to the side and your entire focus goes to that little jelly bean inside of your uterus.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. I was a manager at Target and had just worked a long overnight shift on black Friday. I was super exhausted and then drove an hour home literally wondering if I was pregnant as we had just started trying and I had just missed a period. I stopped at a pharmacy before getting home and grabbed a pregnancy test but was so tired that I just threw myself in the bed and fell asleep. After a nap, I woke up, ran to the bathroom and took my pregnancy test, alone because my husband, who was also a retail manager, had not arrived home yet. I couldn’t wait any longer because something inside of me just felt that I was and I needed to confirm it.
I remember seeing the pregnancy test turn positive and not believing my eyes so I took another one. The next one also came up positive and all I could do was sit there shaking. As soon as my husband came home I told him the news and instantly started crying. As much as we wanted to have a baby, I did not think that it would happen that fast as we had just started trying two weeks prior. I was so scared of what the future would hold and every worry came to my head.
But you see, that worry never left, even after having him, even after he got a little older, even after becoming pregnant a second time, and after my second baby was born. I was also worried when I became pregnant a third time, because you would think that by number three I would feel a lot more confident, but that worry was still present. If there’s one thing I have learned is that as a mother, you never stop worrying or wondering if you are doing the right things and raising them the right way. You worry about your future and theirs, you worry about their safety when they are not around, you just worry.
So with all of that worrying, all I could do was just focus on the things that I could control, and that was being the best mom I could be to my little ones. My entire life became about them and their needs. Yes to a certain extent, this is what should happen, but I was so focused in my role as a mother that I forgot that I was a woman, a wife, had professional needs and personal needs. I was so focused on their lives that I forgot to live my own.
It wasn’t until my third pregnancy, when I had a miscarriage (read more here) that something just came to me and I realized I needed to find myself again. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and I choose to believe that God gave me a baby and took it back for a reason. This reason being my well being. I decided to turn that very negative experience into a positive one, because the little peanut that had been inside of me did not leave without a purpose. I began to focus on my needs, my wants, my desires, my goals… I began to care for myself and that was when I truly began to feel myself again. All of those years I was just a mom, but I needed more than that, and that was what I gave myself.
How did I do this you ask? By regaining my confidence, taking care of myself physically and emotionally, changing my mindset and bad habits, spending more one on one time with my husband, forced myself to do things that challenged me and made me uncomfortable, focusing on my goals and forcing myself to spend time alone despite the mom and wife guilt. It was not easy, but in one year I have managed to feel more confident than I have ever felt in my entire life. And I still consider myself to be a great mom, but I am no longer just a great mom. And that ladies and gentlemen is how I got my groove back.